The Good, the Bad, and the Purple/Transcript
DISCLAIMER JEICE: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cuts to Guru's house) GURU: And so I tell him, "I don't care who you are! Now clean my jowls!" And that was Nail's first day on the job. NAIL: Yes, sir... I remember, I was there. That also doesn't have anything to do with what we were talking about. GURU: What were we talking about? NAIL: That ungodly POWER headed our way! (shows Frieza flying his way to Guru's house) GURU: Oh yeah... that. NAIL: You know, perhaps you should give someone else that power-up. You remember, the one you gave the Earthlings? GURU: You are correct. It is time for me to unlock your hidden powers... Dende. (Guru unlocks Dende's hidden potential) DENDE: Ahh, what the hell?! GURU: And now, your power has been awakened. DENDE: I noticed! NAIL: Sir, I was referring to ME--! GURU: Now listen to me, Dende. With these powers, you garner a huge responsibility. I need you to run as fast as you can to the Earthlin-- NAIL: Sir, he left you the moment after you gave him the power-up. (shows Dende flying away from a window) GURU: That SLUT! GINYU TOKUSENTAI!!" OPENING SEQUENCE (cuts to outside Frieza's ship with Jeice reporting to Captain Ginyu about what just happened) JEICE: Then out of nowhere, this stupid guy in this stupid outfit starts beating us up, and I lost me best mate, and-- CAPTAIN GINYU: Jeice! You'll speak to me professionally and dutifully. JEICE: (now calm) Oh, um... Sorry, cap'n. CAPTAIN GINYU: Now, Jeice, back from the field. Full report. JEICE: Well, see, at first it was going fine... but next thing we know, Guldo... well... CAPTAIN GINYU: Oh lord, he's dead, isn't he...? JEICE: That he is, sir... CAPTAIN GINYU: Well... in our line of work, our lives can be compromised at any moment. This is something we must live with. On the plus side, Burter owes me 50 Raditz. JEICE: About that, cap'n... he's probably not gonna pay up. CAPTAIN GINYU: Really? He's usually such a good sport about that. JEICE: Thing is, he's come down with a sudden case of death, sir. CAPTAIN GINYU: (sincerely upset) Oh... that's... wow. That's a rather hefty loss. JEICE: Yes, sir. He was a valued teammate. Strong, fast, and-- CAPTAIN GINYU: And blue! JEICE: Pardon, cap'n? CAPTAIN GINYU: Blue! And tall! And you're so red! And short! It was the perfect little yin-yang thing we had going! JEICE: (muttering) Not that short, cap'n. CAPTAIN GINYU: Oh, don't go all Vegeta on me. Now, where are we going to find another blue recruit? Perhaps Recoome knows someone. JEICE: (lets out a disappointed sigh) CAPTAIN GINYU: He's dead too, isn't he...? JEICE: Yeah... CAPTAIN GINYU: Well, did he at least die with dignity? (Shows a shot of Recoome lying face down on the ground, his naked ass in the air. Buzzing flies are heard.) JEICE: Define "dignity", sir. CAPTAIN GINYU: Uhhh... Well, Jeice, I believe the next step is obvious. We, as professionals, cannot allow this act to go unabated. We have a job to finish, and we shall see it through. JEICE: Yes, sir! CAPTAIN GINYU: Ginyu Force, away! (Captain Ginyu and Jeice fly off in the distance) (cuts to the battlefield showing Goku, Gohan, Krillin, and Vegeta) GOKU: Sure is nice to see you guys again. But I sure can't help but feel that someone's missing. KRILLIN: Oh yeah, Bulma! GOHAN: What do you think she's up to? KRILLIN: Probably something girly... (cuts to Bulma in a mech suit fighting a giant crab underwater, with "Crabplosion" playing in the background) ♪Killing crabs... in the ocean♪ ♪Kill it fast... pain explosion♪ ♪Yeah!♪ (cuts back to Krillin and Gohan) KRILLIN: ...like her hair. VEGETA: Your idiotic banter is charming, but if you haven't noticed, we're pretty much screwed here. GOKU: What? Why? VEGETA: Frieza has the Dragon Balls, you dolt! Which basically means we're already dead. KRILLIN: Actually, not really. VEGETA: Oh? Something you know that I don't? KRILLIN: A lot of things, actually. VEGETA: ... You have five seconds to rephrase that. 4... 3... KRILLIN: Actually, what I meant to say was, when you make a wish on the Dragon Balls, the sky turns darker than the blackest void… (cuts to Mr. Popo on Earth) MR. POPO: Hm? (cuts back to Krillin) KRILLIN: And out of the balls... rises a giant dragon! So yeah, none of that. VEGETA: ... 2... 1... CAPTAIN GINYU: Hi, Vegeta. VEGETA: Hi, Ginyu-- (realizes that Captain Ginyu and Jeice has arrived) Ugh... JEICE: (referring to Goku) That's him, cap'n! That's the one who beat us up! CAPTAIN GINYU: What? Just look at his hair! He looks like he just got out of bed! For goodness sakes, Jeice, he's even wearing pajamas! JEICE: I swear it, sir. He picked us apart one by one. We never stood a cha-- (Goku punches him in the face again) Aaah! Oh, that's just not fair! CAPTAIN GINYU: Jeice, what have I told you? VEGETA: You know, I'm surprised you're here, Ginyu. I thought you'd be busy polishing Frieza's boots. CAPTAIN GINYU: First off, Lord Frieza doesn't wear boots. Second, if he did, I'd have already polished them. Third, he's off chasing some leftover Namekians. VEGETA: Wait, so Frieza's not at the ship... CAPTAIN GINYU: Correct. VEGETA: And you're here... CAPTAIN GINYU: That's right. VEGETA: And the average power level of Frieza's soldiers is... CAPTAIN GINYU: Two thousand. VEGETA: I-i-i-interesting...! GOKU: Krillin! Gohan! Get out of here and find Bulma. Vegeta and I can handle this on our own. KRILLIN: Oh, no! I mean, I'd really hate to leave you on your own, you know, but if you say so, LET'S GO, GOHAN! (flies away with Gohan) GOHAN: Be careful, Dad! GOKU: All right, Vegeta. We have to put our differences aside for now, and take these guys as a team. VEGETA: Yeah, that's fantastic and entertaining and all that... but first, if you don't mind me... I need to use the restroom. GOKU: Oh, okay. VEGETA: About a hundred miles away. (flies off) GOKU: ...He has a very nervous bladder. (gets elbowed in the face by Captain Ginyu) (cuts to Frieza flying to Guru's house in his bubble car) FRIEZA: (thinking) So, for the first century, I'll go easy on them, lure them into a false sense of security, and then when they think I'm not so bad, BAM! I'll go full tyrant on them in the second century. After that, I'll disappear for a millennium and make them wonder if I ever existed to begin with... just to come back and kill them all. (Frieza flies pass Dende, who's travelling in the opposite direction. Dende gives Frieza a nasty glare) FRIEZA: Good afternoon. DENDE: It's morning. (in Namekian/Klingon) Douche. FRIEZA: Cute kid. Seems familiar. (Frieza speeds up and arrives at Guru's house, his bubble car making a Jetsons' sound effect while descending to ground level. Frieza then gets out of his bubble care and gets confronted by...) NAIL: What do you want? FRIEZA: Ah, good sir, I suppose you could say I'm looking for technical support. GURU: (from inside his house) Naaaaaaiiiiil, do we have a visitor? NAIL: Yes, sir. GURU: (from inside his house) Naaaaiiil, take his coat. FRIEZA: I don't have a coat. NAIL: He doesn't have a coat, sir. And I believe this is the man who basically killed our entire race. GURU: (from inside his house, sounding a bit annoyed) Naaaiil, don't take his coat. FRIEZA: You see, I recently acquired what you people refer to as "Dragon Balls"... but I'm having trouble getting them to do what I want. NAIL: Did you try working the shaft? FRIEZA: (lowers his head) Classy. GURU: (from inside his house) Naaaail, what does he want? NAIL: He's asking how to use the Dragon Balls. GURU: (from inside his house) Did you tell him to work the shaft? NAIL: Yes, Lord Guru. GURU: (from inside his house) Good work, Nail. FRIEZA: I have the distinct impression you're going to be difficult. NAIL: Well, sir, if you're having a problem with our customer support, you can call 1-800-eat-a-d**k. GURU: (from inside his house) We don't even HAVE those!! FRIEZA: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. What IS that? (shoots eyes laser at Guru's house, blowing up the top part and revealing Guru) GURU: Oh, God, NATURAL LIGHT! FRIEZA: Good lord! I was led to believe your species survived entirely on water. How is he so FAT?! GURU: Oh, hello, I'm Super Kami Guru, and I'm the guy who's NOT judging you on your appearance. FRIEZA: Well, my name is Frieza; ruler of most of the known galaxy. I'm here to offer you a deal. You give me the information I require, and I'll let the sporting young man live. GURU: Please. Nail isn't afraid of you... He is the strongest of our race! FRIEZA: Oh, really? NAIL: (nervously) Uh, sir? GURU: Yeah, Nail's gonna destroy your sorry ass. They wouldn't be able to air it on the news because it'll be so BRUTAL! NAIL: (desperately trying to get Guru's attention) Sir, seriously--! GURU: Hush, Nail! I'm speaking for you. FRIEZA: (puts on his scouter) Well, then, If this is the only course of action available to me, I accept. I'll dispatch of this worm and then I'll be back for you, slug. GURU: Leave my brother out of this! NAIL: Sir, his power is overwhelming! I can also sense it's only a fraction of what he's capable of! GURU: Nail, listen to me... You are Namek's number one son. A prodigy child. You have been trained in the ancient ways... I believe in you. NAIL: You... mean that, Lord Guru? GURU: Yes, Nail... Now show him the staggering spirit of Namek... and waste his smug ass! NAIL: Yes sir! (to Frieza) Follow me! (leaves with Frieza to a different location to do battle) GURU: Fool... If I had trained him in the NEW way, he might have stood a chance. (cuts to Goku and Ginyu fighting in the air) CAPTAIN GINYU: You have an interesting form and a surprisingly well-honed technique. GOKU: And you're purple! (both Goku and Captain Ginyu jump back) CAPTAIN GINYU: I'm sufficiently impressed. You've held your own very well. But your form and grace will never compare to that of the illustrious CAPTAIN GINYU! (strikes a pose) GOKU: (mimicking Captain Ginyu's pose) You mean, like this? CAPTAIN GINYU: (blushing) Oh, God! Is that what I look like? Jeice! That isn't what I look like, is it? JEICE: No, cap'n! You look amazing! GOKU: No offense, but this is boring... Like, really boring... Like, listening to Gohan’s piano recital boring... CAPTAIN GINYU: I realized these poses in an effort to invigorate my men and raise morale! How DARE you mock them?! GOKU: Well, I mean, it's just.. I'm not even using half my power right now. CAPTAIN GINYU:: Aha, quite a substantial bluff. But a bluff, and nothing more. I've witnessed your abilities firsthand and I assure you that you're-- (Goku powers up in Kaio-ken, causing both Captain Ginyu and Jeice's scouters to start beeping rapidly. Goku powers down) CAPTAIN GINYU: A hundred and eighty thousand... Hunh. JEICE: Oy, cap'n, isn't your max power level only one hundred and-- CAPTAIN GINYU: DAAAUUUUGGHH! (holds his head and dives into the water) JEICE: Yeah, one hundred and twenty thousand, that's what I thought. GOKU: Is he gonna be okay? JEICE: Eh, the cap'n? Yeah, he just does that sometimes. (Ginyu comes back out of the water and holds his head) CAPTAIN GINYU: GAH! Alright, I'm back. JEICE: How ya going, cap'n? CAPTAIN GINYU: How do you think? JEICE: Well, cap'n, if you're getting stressed, you could always... you know. CAPTAIN GINYU: Oh, Jeice! This is hardly the time or the place. Besides, I did it in the pod on the way here. JEICE: ''(suprised)'' Uh... I meant switch bodies, sir... CAPTAIN GINYU: Ah, yes! Of course! (throws his scouter at Jeice, who catches it with one hand) Hold my scouter. GOKU: Hey, what are you doing with your hand? (Captain Ginyu punches a hole in his own chest) GOKU: (completely shocked) Um, sir...? You're supposed to do that to me... CAPTAIN GINYU: (in pain) Oh-ho, but you see... I DID do it to you. GOKU: I don't understand... CAPTAIN GINYU: CHANGE NOOOWWWW! (Captain Ginyu switches bodies with Goku, laughing evilly while doing so. Camera shows a blurry vision of Goku in midair.) GOKU: (thinking) Oh, wow... what happened? Everything seems... weird. (regains his vision and sees himself) Oh, hey! There's another me over there! I wonder if-- (starts moving forward but suddenly stops) Ahh! Ow! My chest! What in the... (looks down and sees Captain Ginyu's hand) Oh.. (camera reveals Goku in Captain Ginyu's body) GOKU: (out loud in a different voice) Oh... ohhhh... ENDING SEQUENCE STINGER (cuts to Gohan and Krillin arriving back at the cave) KRILLIN: Hey, Bulma... We're back. GOHAN: How ya doing? BULMA: I FOUGHT A GIANT CRAB! KRILLIN: ...They make a special shampoo for that, I hear. (screen goes black as a punching sound is heard) Ow!